A Crippling Sense of Eternity
25 July 2024
Haven’t we all been sold fairy tales with their “forever and ever” endings, idolising the beauty of an eternal, never-changing goodness?
What if life hasn’t turned out to be the fairy tale of childhood princesses and gallant princes? The same love of eternity contorts into something darker and heavier: a dread that things will never change, and that uncomfortable people and circumstances are here to stay and torment us – always.
In my family business advisory I see the imprint of ‘always’ and its flipside ‘never’ in the destructive thoughts and actions of my clients struggling with both personal and work issues. Hopelessness becomes prevalent in their outlook, reflecting a dampening belief that things can’t and won’t ever change. This then has a landslide effect of destroying their self-agency - or their ability to affect change in a situation – leaving them feeling helpless to the punishing hands of fate.
“I feel like I’m looping”, “Things are never going to get better”, “I’m having recurring nightmares”, and “I don’t know what to do anymore” are some of the most common troubles I hear, and as you can imagine, no one wants to remain in what feels like self-made purgatory. The effects of this are evident in both the therapy realm and in conflict resolution and mediation. Opposing sides appear stuck in their positions, believing that no one will ever change, while also suffering in a cortisol-driven standoff to shoot once someone makes a (hostile) move. (They did make a change after all, albeit not one that was welcome.)
This town ain’t big enough for the two of us!
Often, my client advisory sessions start with an angsty tirade to download all the ways that the aggrieving party will never change. I have become accustomed to hearing requests from my clients to speak to partner X or sibling Y in order to convince them of necessary change in their behaviour. In fact, one thing that unfortunately binds people across cultures and generations is the eternal condemnation of the other through the attack of: “There you go again, you’re always like this!”
In using both my conflict resolution and therapy expertise to support next generation members of business families in their wellbeing and success, I see the fear in them that every decision made is forever, or that uncomfortable states will always remain as such. It must be noted that conversely, any success can also seem perpetual and enduring, as when bulls first stride into the ring with a misplaced arrogance of permanent invincibility. They say things like:
🫤 “I will never enjoy working here”
😣 “I’ll always have to see my uncle’s bloody face every single day of my life at the office”
😬 “We’ve always been successful, so I don’t need to add much else to the business” (this last statement is often twinned with a lack of purpose and confidence about how they can contribute to the family business)
🤯 “I’m so tired of always having to show up this way in front of my family, I can never be myself”
These beliefs go on to affect family businesses in significant ways:
Diminished sense of purpose and ownership: If they perceive their ideas, personality and contributions to be undervalued or ignored, rising generation members may feel frustrated or disengaged. They may also feel a diminished sense of purpose or psychological ownership to the business if they cannot see a path for meaningful contribution and growth.
Complacency: Believing that the successful status quo will persist can lead to complacency, reducing the motivation to seek improvements, adapt to changing market conditions or actively participate in legacy planning. Next generation members might not seek to expand their skills or pursue further education, assuming that their current knowledge and abilities are sufficient. This belief can hinder their development of essential leadership qualities such as adaptability, resilience, and forward-thinking.
Stifled innovation and growth: These beliefs are exhausting in self-limiting ways and can thus create resistance to new ideas and innovations. The rising generation may feel discouraged from proposing or implementing new strategies, technologies, business or governance models, believing it to be a pointless exercise if “nothing ever changes”. On the other hand, competitors who embrace change and innovation may outpace the family business, leading to a loss of market share and relevance.
Threat to long-term sustainability: Without adaptation and growth, the long-term sustainability of the family business can be at risk, potentially jeopardising its legacy for future generations.
Addressing the cognitive root of these problems often starts with re-writing the fairy tale of “always and forever”. We are dynamic, ever-changing beings living in a constantly evolving world, and it would serve us well to live in line with our true nature and to extend the same courtesy to others by seeing them as capable of change too. I begin work with my clients by guiding their attention to any stagnant and unhelpful thoughts, and questioning if they must remain that way. Unsurprisingly, the response is usually a resounding, no of course not – but would things ever change?
This is where the incredible power of ‘not yet’ in the mindset of growth made famous by the renowned Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck in her book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” offers a way to gently plant a seed that gets watered over time by my own firm belief that this works; because the reminder of ‘not yet’ has and continues to change my life through my own inner work. And where I am personally convinced myself, is the very spring of hope where I can wholeheartedly help clients from.
Bringing attention to our unhelpful and fantastical thoughts of eternal success or failure is important not just for our wellbeing, but also for our ability to successfully lead, negotiate, strategise, resolve conflict, enjoy better relationships and grow as individuals. When we next catch ourselves stuck in a familiar loop, may the only sense of eternity that remains with us be the belief that things can, and will, surely get better.
Just not there - yet? Need some help to see how things can get better?
Let’s find a time here to connect and see how I can help you.