first steps: overcoming shame
28 May 2024
Shame is a terrible feeling that makes us wither inside and feel less-than. Isolation then compounds the belief that no one wants to be around us.
This experience of suffering has been at the core of my work in conflict management, from how trauma affects the way armed conflict is mediated, to how it shows up in the daily lives of my private therapy clients.
Over the past year since starting my own company in mediation, mental wellbeing, leadership and conflict resolution consulting, I’ve seen a growth of ultra high net worth individuals (UHNWIs) in my client base. It wasn’t what I sketched out in any business plan, so the trend got me looking back at what I did wrong (or right!).
Here’s what I noticed:
UHNWIs, especially second or third generations of family offices, frequently face struggles with wealth they have inherited, or “done nothing for”
This can cause a sense of disconnect, shame, and distrust
Amongst my Asian clients, they face an added challenge of strict family hierarchies and the wealth often having been built by the first generation who continue to be in charge. It becomes stressful dealing with their CEO and Founder who just also happens to be Mum or Dad; or a close relative
Legacy planning, or planning for the distribution of wealth to heirs and philanthropic causes, becomes fraught with arguments over roles, responsibilities and public engagement
Asians abide by never washing one’s dirty laundry in public. Plus, how can you risk doing so when your family’s reputation is at stake with media exposure?
UHNWIs value trust, discretion and empathy as much as professionalism
They can end up feeling stressed, ashamed, and lonely; unable to take courageous decisions or to even find the words or sentiments they want to convey to their family. Some end up isolated and struggle with identity issues.
“I can say no. Oh my gosh, I can say no...!”
My first Asian UHNW client reached out to me because of a blend of my experience as well as the physical distance from them, they said. “You work in this international mediation stuff so you must deal with some real tough nuts, I think you will get me. Plus you seem non-judgmental. I’ve seen so many therapists since I was young. But I need some help, some action, I’m done with just talking. Anyway, you’re far away; you’ll never meet anyone I know. Plus you’re in Switzerland, you’re surrounded by wealthy people.”
All arguably true. So over the next few months we started working together on sorting out their worries and putting conflict management strategies into place to deal with their family office dynamics – particularly with their father who had inherited empire from his father and who was still running the ship. One day, they had a lightbulb moment in one of our online sessions.
“I can say no. Oh my gosh, I can say no…!” They were jubilant, as if they’d just discovered the joy of ice-cream on a hot day.
Simple as their revelation sounded, it took months of un-doing the years of submission to family authority, feeling small, obliged and caught in a silent golden cage to be able to utter the freedom of those words.
The next step was putting it into action in real-life situations with their father.
Needless to say, it wasn’t all smooth-sailing after either. Dynamics are there for a reason, and strong structures don’t like change. I continued to support them in dealing with their resistance and fears that bubbled up. The changes were so apparent (and health-wise, they were sleeping better and getting less migraines) that they recommended me to a close friend in their circle, who went on to recommend me to someone else they knew even as we just started working together. As it turns out, shame about inherited wealth and family trauma in these notoriously closed, silo-ed family enterprises is keeping my discreet services in demand.
I’ve made conflict resolution my career, and I still enjoy consulting in political peace mediation and humanitarian leadership. But bringing together my expertise from both the conflict resolution and psychotherapy fields to support my highly talented and motivated UHNW clients with their mental and emotional wellbeing in family offices and complex disputes in this underserved group has been so rewarding.