The dangers of resentment

13 June 2024

Families are rarely straightforward and simple. As births, marriages, divorces and deaths attest to, the constantly evolving number and ages of the members create dynamic change that a family business needs to adapt to. The roles and responsibilities of family members and any external employees also shift with time and life events – although not everyone may be equally enthralled with their new reality.

“How could I not do it... no one else would do it. I always knew it was expected of me.”

As much as solid wealth management advice helps to steer family businesses and offices through crises; untimely deaths, serious illnesses or mental health issues that affect a family can throw a spanner in the works overnight.

This is how one of my clients in Asia experienced a crisis mid-way through our leadership coaching work together. We had already spent several months addressing their Imposter Syndrome as a fresh graduate who stepped directly into the world of their family business as a director. They were facing mounting stress around calling the shots and being responsible for everything they were tasked to manage, frequently coming up against tension and conflict with both external stakeholders and their own parents who had built the family wealth.

While establishing the family empire, both parents had little time or energy to be present with their three children. My client, wedged in as the middle child, found themselves singled out as the most capable and plucked from the easy freedoms and anonymity of their university years in the West to carry the family’s wealth and success onwards. They didn’t want the role, but felt like they had no other choice. “How could I not do it… no one else would do it. I always knew it was expected of me”, they admitted. They were sorrowful, miserable, and only in their 20s.

While mindsets in many Asian countries towards mental health and wellbeing are changing in a positive and more open manner, I notice that those privileged to have spent their formative years of education or boarding school in the West have been exposed to a different attitude towards mental health, and can therefore go on to develop a greater sense of autonomy, self-reliance, and awareness of their mental health and solutions to address issues. This is how my client reached out to me for help.

But this awareness of a different way of being was also what was rising up in them and clashing against the more conservative and traditional attitudes of their parents. The strain between their own liberal individualistic mindsets such as the pursuit of one’s own destiny and interests, and the need to conform to their parent’s values and decisions – along with a good helping of guilt, from all the years of hearing how much sacrifice was being made for the greater good of the family – made for a terrible feeling of being boxed-in, yet beholden to the family’s wealth to finance their lifestyle that no average fresh graduate would have been able to sustain even after decades of work.

Resentment was brewing. And then, tragedy struck just after their sister got married and fell into depression with suicidal tendencies. The same sister who was the eldest, yet got away with minimal responsibilities in the business; the same sister who was most similar to their mother in both looks and personality, and who always seemed to steal the love and attention away.

“I never thought my sister would land up in hospital on anti-depressants, and now my mother spends all her time with her and I’m alone, pretending to know what I’m doing. It’s always been like this, it’s so unfair! I can’t take it anymore.”

My client came this close to quitting, and to risk giving it all up and upending their parents’ succession plans. There would’ve been no further heirs to carry on with; the youngest sibling had opted out long ago and for unexplainable reasons their parents had accepted this decision.

Families are complex. Decisions are not always rational. Unexpected events can make existing stress and resentment spiral even further. And at the heart of it, addressing the unhealthy dynamics would save this family not just their wealth and legacy for generations, but also their present relationships and with that, precious lives.